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*Le Sigh* this is a very special day for me. It is the day that I celebrate my one-year anniversary of celibacy. It feels amazing to see this day. I contemplated on this blog, well, when I would write it. I stopped engaging in sexual activities officially a year ago but didn’t place a purity ring on my finger until March 8th of this year. Even though I waited six months, I knew in my heart on that day last year that I was done. This will probably be another one of my interesting blogs so I’m going to try to be as detailed and on point as possible. I tend to go off on tangents…but y’all knew that. Let’s see, where shall I begin.

To be honest, I never knew that sexual impurity would be something I would struggle with. I was always self-conscious about my body growing up and felt uncomfortable for my mom to even be in the room while I was changing. I had my share of boyfriends back in the day. Well they weren’t technically boyfriends considering I was only 13,14,15 years old and I was not sexually active as of yet. I would always go to basement parties and be one of the main girls in the middle of the floor dancing on every guy in sight. I was perpetrating as if I weren’t a virgin, not intentionally, but seeking attention and flirting was my forte. Even with that said, when a guy would approach me with the idea of being sexually active, that was my green light to dismiss that young fellow and go on to the next. Talking on the phone and dancing at parties was enough for me. The thought of sex made me feel embarrassed.

Wasn’t until I was 16 years old when I met “this guy.” Every girl has that “one guy.” I still to this day don’t know what made him different from anyone else I sought interest in prior to him but there is purpose in everything. 3 months after “dating,” my virginity was lost…along with my mind. After that day I was never the same. Emotions ran high everyday and he stayed on my mind. Sex became the norm between us. There were many times when I didn’t want to but did anyway because I felt that if I didn’t, he would no longer want me. (Side Note: I was never pressured into doing anything. Don’t want to send that message). My emotions were so highly involved in him. He was basically my world. I had a life outside of him but a life without him was too much to bear.

Along came Addy. (Trying not to make this blog about him). After dealing with what I had to during my pregnancy and becoming postpartum, I slowly but surely began to feel comfortable hanging with other men. I was too scared to engage in anything sexual but attention was what I needed. After all, I was still engaging in sexual activities with her father. Around October of 2010, I met a great guy. We hit it off pretty well and began dating. He was my second. That was mind blowing to me. I remember when there was a time I couldn’t even imagine being with someone besides Addy’s father. For me to have a “second” was just crazy to me. He began to grow great feelings for me that I couldn’t handle. It was with him that I realized I had an emotional disconnect with men and I didn’t want to be close to anyone. Not too long after us dating, I cut him off. I couldn’t handle it.

Not too long after came number 3. He was a potential person to be in a relationship with, but the feeling of becoming close was uncomfortable and that ended just as soon as it began.

It was all becoming too easy for me. The thought of being with someone else was once scary to me. Now it became an option. Then came 4th, and 5th. Guys who I knew and found attractive, but didn’t expect to expose my soul too (that’s what happens every time you engage in sex. That is why it is made for a husband and wife). Why was it so easy for me to do this? I don’t love let alone like these men. I just think they are cute. Some even offered the invitation to be a boyfriend. That was all I needed to hear to cut them off as well.

Then came the 6th. (Even as I am writing this with pure transparency, I still feel embarrassed and convicted. God has forgiven me so I need to work on forgiving myself.) I was just reckless. Homecoming weekend last year is just the weekend for everyone to forget all his or her morals. Drinking, smoking, sex…like why Alana? Anywho… this particular guy became too comfortable. One time turned into two, then three, then four. Even found himself in my bed when the sun came up. It was October 27, 2011 last year when I lied and said I was on my period to keep from exposing my soul one last time. I wouldn’t do it again. I couldn’t do it again. Conviction never felt so heavy. I mean, I would feel a sense of guilt and disgust after being engaged with other men but conviction was never that heavy. I am not sure what made this time so different, it doesn’t matter, I just got tired. At that moment I felt God was literally shaking his head at me in utter disgust. It is a horrible feeling. Kind of like disappointing your mom. If you have ever disappointed your mother and seen the look on her face, this feeling was ten times worse.

I thanked God for probing my heart without ceasing. I heard him all the time, but all the time I chose to do what was against his will. He loved me so much that he continued to gain my heart. Thank you God for your grace and mercy. Thank you for me not being in another circumstance where I could have been pregnant again or obtained an STD. Each time I defiled my body, my temple, you covered me when you didn’t even have to. That’s why I love you! After all the things I’ve done, KNOWINGLY, and you still chose to pursue me.

Thank you God! This year has not been easy but it was possible and you have kept me. The choice to give my body back to you is the best decision I have made. I will never be a virgin again but I am born again. I am a new creature. Saving myself for the man you have purposed just for me.

For those struggling with sexual impurity, celibacy is possible. Do not defeat yourself. You do not “need” sex…now that statement is a different story when you are married. If you tell yourself you can’t go without it than your spirit is weaker than your flesh. Ask the Holy Spirit to dwell in you to guide your decision. Die to yourself daily. Kill your flesh daily. It is not easy but it does get easier. Desires fade and you just stop placing yourself in those situations. God is calling you. Your body is not your own. Your body is God’s. This is for men as well as women!! Do not get caught up in what society says..that it is okay for men to explore but women can’t! Men and women are ROYALTY! Heirs to the most High riches and glory! Men and women have so much worth! Understand that!

Let me get off my soap box! End of the day all I want to say is that when you ask God for deliverance, it happens. May not happen when you want it but God’s timing is perfect. I have made the declaration to wait, until the man he has purposed for me replaces this here ring.

Love you Daddy,

            Alana


 
 
            Every year around this time for the past four years, a lot of pre-planning would take place for Homecoming. Figuring out what outfits to wear for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday festivities. Figuring out whom I’m going to mooch off of to get some alcohol in my red cup. Living carefree for an entire weekend. This was something I looked forward to every October since 2008. I never missed a Homecoming at MU. Not even when I went back to St. Louis for school shortly after the birth of Addyson. It was the norm. For Mizzou to be the birthplace of “Homecoming”, how could I not celebrate?

            So for this to be my first Homecoming at MU that I am not participating in the nightly festivities is very new to me. I didn’t know how to approach it. Old friends have made their way back in town and I am excited to see them. Just like old times. Slowly came to my knowledge that if I were not attending a party, I would not be seeing half the people I anticipated. This is all so new to me. I was (am) tempted from every which way. Those I partied with last year anticipating me to join again this year. Prior to this weekend it never crossed my mind. I even became bumbed out at the thought of me not joining in on the festivities. Bumbing it out on the couch scrolling through my Twitter timeline to live vicariously through everyone else. I began to miss my old life. Even after becoming a new creature within Christ on September 16, for a weekend I just wanted to live my old life. Isn’t that just like the enemy to try to tempt you with past habits ??

It wasn’t until I made a late night trip to Wal Mart that God brought forth clarity to me. (Technically like 2 hours ago). I always like to late night shop due to it not being a heavy crowd…I was wrong tonight. College kids in club attire cruising through the alcohol aisle to get some last minute pre-game essentials. I’m just trying to pick up some last minute things for the house. I even saw a couple of kids my little brother graduated with….in 2011! I felt so old!!! I finally made it to the line after seeing a handful of kids making their way to their destination somewhere downtown tonight. Bottle in hand and attire to turn heads. It actually hit me that THAT WAS ME! That was me hanging with my female friends getting last minute alcohol to “turn up” for the night. That was me looking for the shortest/tightest outfit with intentions to get “chose” for the night. This was what I considered fun! That was me!

I immediately began to shout in the car. Okay not shouting for real but I began a conversation with God on the way home just constantly thanking him for grace. Thanking him for probing my heart to the point where I could no longer avoid him. In the midst of me “living that life” I always knew that God was not happy with me. I always knew. The conviction was never heavy enough to keep me from doing so….until this year.

That is my prayer for everybody out this weekend. I am not in a position to judge nor am I trying to. I pray that God keeps you all over this weekend just like he did me. Even the times we engage in things we have no business doing, Homecoming or not, he keeps us under his grace and mercy. Remember that. Homecoming is supposed to be a fun time. It is tradition. I just pray that tradition shifts to a more glorifying custom. To all my friends out “turning up” right now, be safe and stay warm. Love y’all!