Check Up

07/16/2012

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When on my vacation in Orlando over the 4th weekend, I was conversing with Candess about how I was ready to come back home; how bored and frustrated I was; how I felt like I was out of God's presence by me being away that long. Fortunately, me venting helped out more than I thought it would. She sent over a list of questions for me to give myself a check up on my relationship with Christ and other areas of my life. These were VERY helpful and forced me to dig deep into myself to retrieve the answers. These questions are, I believe to be, very helpful to those who need a Self Check Up.

1) How much alone time do I spend with God?

Depends: Every morning I thank him for waking me. Quite often throughout the day when I’m on twitter or just personally interacting with people, I’ll say a prayer in my head for people-whether they ask or not. I say my grace for every meal. Every night before I go to bed I say my prayers. I thanks God for everything that happens to me and repent for my wrong doings—BUT—often times it feels like routine. Like something I’m supposed to do because I am so used to doing it.

2) Who is in my environment?

That depends too. While I’m in Columbia, it is just Addyson and I. I have very few negative and tempting influences around me in Columbia. When I’m back home in STL, it is a completely different scene. I have my family which can often be home of my frustration. Then I have my friends and associates who I entertain STILL, even though they partake in stuff that I would rather give up..but I choose to continue.

3) What areas of me are still broken?

On-going tension between my father and I. Failed relationship between Addyson’s father and I.

4) Have I really forgiven myself?

I always think I forgive myself for what I used to do and who I used to be—but ultimately—I haven’t. I often think back to things I’ve done and feel a cringe in my stomach and a sense of embarrassment. Too many times. I entertain conversations with people who bring up my past and get defensive. If I truly forgave myself, I could care less what others think/say and keep it moving. I’ve already been forgiven..why can’t I humble myself to forgive myself.

5) Have I really forgiven those who have hurt me?

And again—I always think I forgive others—then there are times when I catch myself in my feelings and grow angry at just the thought. I always feel like I forgive Addyson’s father but have times where I grow angry…out of no where. I try not to think of my molester…I’m not sure if I can ever forgive him. My parents—still too touchy. Other petty situations, I tend not to give too much attention. Not sure if I forgive but I no longer care..if that makes sense.

6) Have I surrendered my all to Christ (or do I still try to control)?

I’ve spoken with my mouth that the Lord is more than welcome in my heart and have confessed and repented my sins—but have I surrendered my all to Christ? No. I still try to have control over some areas of my life. Some areas I have given over to God but not all. It can be a scary thought to let go..but I know I need to.

7) Do I even know how to do number 6?

No

8) What does salvation really mean?

Freeing yourself of the bondages of the world and falling under the mercy and grace of God—letting HIM be the Father that he is and take care of his child. No anxieties, fears, or worries because you have so much Faith that God’s Will will always take care of you; whether we are in agreement or not. God knows best.

9)What am I feeding my spirit?

A mixture of nonsense, worldly matters, and a hint of Godly matters. Sadly, I based a lot of things off of how I am feeling. I let the world weigh in on me and continue to push Him away while I’m in my feelings. Case in point…I’m listening to Drake right now smh.

10) Do desires of the world still motivate me?

YES! While in Orlando I still wanted to hit up the club. I wanted to shop for clothes that aren’t flattering to my walk with Christ. I #lowkey wanted to engage in petty gossip. I got overwhelmed in the thought of being without a job this summer and bummed out on how I don’t have any income. I placed money as an idol. I kept listening to Project Pat. This is a process for me y’all…a very hard process.

11) Am I regularly confessing my sins?

Every single day—the only thing with that is, I’m not sure if I really mean it or I am just so used to saying it that it has become routine. I have conviction and feel bad and want him to forgive me. Not for the sake of me knowing he will, but because I do get tired of living wrong. I want him to know my heart yearns to be near him each and every second of every day.

 


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