To be honest, I never knew that sexual impurity would be something I would struggle with. I was always self-conscious about my body growing up and felt uncomfortable for my mom to even be in the room while I was changing. I had my share of boyfriends back in the day. Well they weren’t technically boyfriends considering I was only 13,14,15 years old and I was not sexually active as of yet. I would always go to basement parties and be one of the main girls in the middle of the floor dancing on every guy in sight. I was perpetrating as if I weren’t a virgin, not intentionally, but seeking attention and flirting was my forte. Even with that said, when a guy would approach me with the idea of being sexually active, that was my green light to dismiss that young fellow and go on to the next. Talking on the phone and dancing at parties was enough for me. The thought of sex made me feel embarrassed.
Wasn’t until I was 16 years old when I met “this guy.” Every girl has that “one guy.” I still to this day don’t know what made him different from anyone else I sought interest in prior to him but there is purpose in everything. 3 months after “dating,” my virginity was lost…along with my mind. After that day I was never the same. Emotions ran high everyday and he stayed on my mind. Sex became the norm between us. There were many times when I didn’t want to but did anyway because I felt that if I didn’t, he would no longer want me. (Side Note: I was never pressured into doing anything. Don’t want to send that message). My emotions were so highly involved in him. He was basically my world. I had a life outside of him but a life without him was too much to bear.
Along came Addy. (Trying not to make this blog about him). After dealing with what I had to during my pregnancy and becoming postpartum, I slowly but surely began to feel comfortable hanging with other men. I was too scared to engage in anything sexual but attention was what I needed. After all, I was still engaging in sexual activities with her father. Around October of 2010, I met a great guy. We hit it off pretty well and began dating. He was my second. That was mind blowing to me. I remember when there was a time I couldn’t even imagine being with someone besides Addy’s father. For me to have a “second” was just crazy to me. He began to grow great feelings for me that I couldn’t handle. It was with him that I realized I had an emotional disconnect with men and I didn’t want to be close to anyone. Not too long after us dating, I cut him off. I couldn’t handle it.
Not too long after came number 3. He was a potential person to be in a relationship with, but the feeling of becoming close was uncomfortable and that ended just as soon as it began.
It was all becoming too easy for me. The thought of being with someone else was once scary to me. Now it became an option. Then came 4th, and 5th. Guys who I knew and found attractive, but didn’t expect to expose my soul too (that’s what happens every time you engage in sex. That is why it is made for a husband and wife). Why was it so easy for me to do this? I don’t love let alone like these men. I just think they are cute. Some even offered the invitation to be a boyfriend. That was all I needed to hear to cut them off as well.
Then came the 6th. (Even as I am writing this with pure transparency, I still feel embarrassed and convicted. God has forgiven me so I need to work on forgiving myself.) I was just reckless. Homecoming weekend last year is just the weekend for everyone to forget all his or her morals. Drinking, smoking, sex…like why Alana? Anywho… this particular guy became too comfortable. One time turned into two, then three, then four. Even found himself in my bed when the sun came up. It was October 27, 2011 last year when I lied and said I was on my period to keep from exposing my soul one last time. I wouldn’t do it again. I couldn’t do it again. Conviction never felt so heavy. I mean, I would feel a sense of guilt and disgust after being engaged with other men but conviction was never that heavy. I am not sure what made this time so different, it doesn’t matter, I just got tired. At that moment I felt God was literally shaking his head at me in utter disgust. It is a horrible feeling. Kind of like disappointing your mom. If you have ever disappointed your mother and seen the look on her face, this feeling was ten times worse.
I thanked God for probing my heart without ceasing. I heard him all the time, but all the time I chose to do what was against his will. He loved me so much that he continued to gain my heart. Thank you God for your grace and mercy. Thank you for me not being in another circumstance where I could have been pregnant again or obtained an STD. Each time I defiled my body, my temple, you covered me when you didn’t even have to. That’s why I love you! After all the things I’ve done, KNOWINGLY, and you still chose to pursue me.
Thank you God! This year has not been easy but it was possible and you have kept me. The choice to give my body back to you is the best decision I have made. I will never be a virgin again but I am born again. I am a new creature. Saving myself for the man you have purposed just for me.
For those struggling with sexual impurity, celibacy is possible. Do not defeat yourself. You do not “need” sex…now that statement is a different story when you are married. If you tell yourself you can’t go without it than your spirit is weaker than your flesh. Ask the Holy Spirit to dwell in you to guide your decision. Die to yourself daily. Kill your flesh daily. It is not easy but it does get easier. Desires fade and you just stop placing yourself in those situations. God is calling you. Your body is not your own. Your body is God’s. This is for men as well as women!! Do not get caught up in what society says..that it is okay for men to explore but women can’t! Men and women are ROYALTY! Heirs to the most High riches and glory! Men and women have so much worth! Understand that!
Let me get off my soap box! End of the day all I want to say is that when you ask God for deliverance, it happens. May not happen when you want it but God’s timing is perfect. I have made the declaration to wait, until the man he has purposed for me replaces this here ring.
Love you Daddy,