In reference to this time in my life, I always consider this as the best day of my life. I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl and the feeling that came over me to this day is unexplainable. As in love as I became with my daughter that day, I was still unhappy. I had a horrible pregnancy and became postpartum shortly after. I loved Addyson...I just disliked my role as a mother: the responsibilities that came along with being a mother. The thought of someone else's life being dependent on me was SCARY. What if something happened?? Then the ending result would squarely be on my shoulders and that was something I couldn't wrap my mind around. "I'm only 19" is all I kept saying to myself. I was 18 when I decided to create this life so therefore I was old enough to raise it..basically. 

The decision to make Addyson wasn't mistake, as most young parents like to say. Her father and I mutually made the decision to make her without even thinking. We weren't thinking. We both were attending two different colleges and after meeting up back at home over winter break, Addyson was made.

Even hearing the words coming from the doctor was a surreal moment. I know we had planned on having a baby but I couldn't believe I was ACTUALLY going to have one. Day by day, things began to go downhill. Her father and I's relationship was never good (we were so young) and this only made it worse. We were no longer in a relationship and now I had to deal with the decision of him exploring another relationship. I felt betrayed, helpless, depressed. I felt like the bottom of the Earth. I spent most of my pregnancy crying, and even the days that I was out and smiled and laughed, when I went home at night I still had to face my harsh reality. Often times I would rub my belly apologizing to my soon-to-be daughter for always crying and making her feel what I felt. I felt so bad for selfishly making the decision to bring another life into this world with NO IDEA on how to take care of her, considering I was still growing up. I held on to that guilt for a while. Even long after she was born. She will be three this September and it wasn't until recently that I finally forgave myself for the decision I made three years ago. Finally understanding that if this wasn't supposed to happen to me then God wouldn't have let it happen. Simple. She is truly a blessing to my life. As cliche' as it sounds, she motivates me to do better and even makes me WANT to do better. She's my right-hand man and I don't even know where my life would be headed if she wasn't here. I don't want to know. I know my daughter deserves a lot more than what I can give her at this time..Two-Parent Household, 100% of my time, healthier meals (lol), but I am working on it. She needs for nothing and has a HUGE support system behind her..and I. I love my Addy Paddy Puddin' Pop!

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