It's been a little over two months since this incident. My little brother Jamaal, who was attending a party in Little Rock, Arkansas on April 1, was shot in his chest by a stray bullet following a random fight in the parking lot. It was only by God's grace and mercy over his life that his life was spared in he is still here today. It still baffles me to this day. I was in Chicago with my cousin just visiting for the weekend. We would be leaving that sunday, April 1, to head back to St. Louis. I had to be back in Columbia for school on Monday. He sent me a text around 5:30 in the morning and I felt my phone vibrate because it was under my pillow. I think I read it but I was half sleep so I wasn't really paying attention and put the phone back under my pillow. I finally woke up around 9 and checked my phone again. In fact he did text me.

I immediately knew something was wrong just by him telling me that he loved me. I mean he is my brother, so of course we love each other. We just never been the type of siblings to randomly tell each other that. After reciprocating the gesture, I anticipated another response because I knew there was more. "I got shot" was what I read. No more texting. This isn't a texting type of conversation so I called him. He answered and told me the story. He was at a party; he witnessed a fight; he felt a bullet graze him (or thought grazed him); felt the hole where the bullet went in and blood run down his fingers; walked back into the party; then he passed out. I'm so thankful for his friend Jordan, who found Jamaal slumped over inside the party and carried him back outside because the cowardly shooters found their way back inside the party and decided to continue shooting.

As of yesterday morning, I officially became a member of Urban Empowerment (Church here in Columbia). This is my very first church home that I've ever had. This is a big deal to me (even though I still have to complete the new membership class...but I digress). I've been going there for sometime now. Popping in a few times back in 2008 (my freshman year) and more and more these past two semesters. I'm still learning people's names, even though I know their faces, and am enamored by the choir. Both Bishop and Pastor Woods are two wonderful individuals who, without knowing, kept pulling on my heartstrings to join the church. Many members have already fell in love with Addyson and she loves playing with the other kids in the Children Playroom. 

I've toyed around with religion for a while now. Church-hopping from Jehovah Witness as a young child, my grandmothers church on holidays, and my friend's church whenever they would invite me. I was never attending for the sake of getting a word or changing lifestyles. I was never there to form relationships with others who were mature in Christ and could help me. I was just...there. The older I got, things started to make sense to me, but not enough for me to want to make it a habit. As soon as I stepped out of the four walls of the church, I was back at where I was prior to ever walking in. Even when I began attending UE. I felt like everytime I stepped in the church, the word was tailored towards my specific situation. Both Bishop and Pastor Woods had a way of connecting with youth; preparing their message to relate to the youth so it would make sense to us. I would go to the alter; I would cry when a word twinged in my spirit; I would be on fire when I left. But as soon as Monday came around and I had other "obligations," that word no longer lingered in me. I got tired of that feeling. I would surround myself in negative situations with negative people, and in the pit of my stomach, I always knew I just didn't belong. I was never at ease. I would always feel guilty after doing things I knew I wasn't supposed to. I was tired of feeling like that. Then I remembered the feeling I would get whenever I was on fire for God. Whenever I would talk to him and seek his guidance and the warm sensation that would pour over me. I always want that feeling. Not just on Sundays at church or Wednesdays at Bible Study. I want to have that feeling even in my darkest hours because I know ultimately God has my back and whatever I am going through, it is not bigger than God. I want that massive amount of faith. So finally, after 21 years of playing around, I decided to dedicate myself to this church. I have yet to be baptized but it is coming next. I am held accountable now, which is fine. The same feeling I get when I know I have class on Monday or an assignment due on Tuesday, I want to feel that way about God. God is waiting to talk to me so I have to go and make time for him. Same scenario. I am very blessed and excited to become apart of this family. :) 

In reference to this time in my life, I always consider this as the best day of my life. I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl and the feeling that came over me to this day is unexplainable. As in love as I became with my daughter that day, I was still unhappy. I had a horrible pregnancy and became postpartum shortly after. I loved Addyson...I just disliked my role as a mother: the responsibilities that came along with being a mother. The thought of someone else's life being dependent on me was SCARY. What if something happened?? Then the ending result would squarely be on my shoulders and that was something I couldn't wrap my mind around. "I'm only 19" is all I kept saying to myself. I was 18 when I decided to create this life so therefore I was old enough to raise it..basically. 

The decision to make Addyson wasn't mistake, as most young parents like to say. Her father and I mutually made the decision to make her without even thinking. We weren't thinking. We both were attending two different colleges and after meeting up back at home over winter break, Addyson was made.

      Clever title, but not created by me. After going to bible study last night (WHICH WAS AMAZING BY THE WAY) the preacher talked about how many of us are in a season of distraction. This was right on point for me....especially since my post yesterday talked about how I fall victim to my environment. I kept track of the key points and compiled notes to send out to those I care about. It's a universal message that can have strong meanings for meaning. Notes goes as follows......

Plight of a Distracted Christian: Merits of Not Quitting

Scriptures to reflect on:

            Nehemiah 4:16

            2 Thessalonians 3:10

            Genesis 1:26, 27, 28

*We are in a season of distraction. Only reason we become distracted is because we take our “eye” off the target (our purpose)

* It is the expressed interest and JOB of the enemy to see us fail; his sole purpose

*He even goes as far as attacking those we hold dear to us to get to us; he does not mess with those we do not care about (finances, families, etc.)

*We have become so distracted over things we already have DOMINION over. In Genesis Chapter 1, it talks about how God created Adam in his image and how he gave him DOMINION over everything that was created (animals, fish, plants, etc.). The serpent that attacked Eve then came for Adam. Adam fell prey to the very thing he already had DOMINION over (the serpent who came for Eve)

* As humans every day, God gave us the power to speak life (and death); we have DOMINION but fall prey to things that WE have the POWER over

*Bind the spirit of distraction (friends, family, loved ones, bosses, jobs, co-workers, those who consider you an enemy, finances, sickens, etc.) anything and everything that distracts you.

*Speak things that are not as though they already are.

*When your life is going nowhere, the enemy sees no purpose in attacking you. When you are prospering, the enemy will come full force. Once you are in the word of God, he has provided you with armor (his word); the enemy will have NO victory.

*Three main points…

            (1) “ I have faced this before. Called it out and named it! I have DOMINION over it! WHY bow down to it now??”

            (2) I have to fight (work). How do I expect to reap the benefits without first putting in the work?

            (3) My labor MUST produce…or else. (Don’t come to church just to absorb a word for yourself, DO SOMETHING WITH IT)  You don’t get an A just by coming to class, you have to do work!

We are Planted, Placed, and Empowered for Purpose! God always takes care of his children. Never question his love for you or his grace! I’m praying for you J

Every time I go back home to St. Louis, I can never stay in the house. I always feel like I'm obliged to get out and do something. No one is forcing me, rather my own thoughts forcing me to "believe" that this is my break and I "deserve" to go have fun...or whatever. Only problem is, that "fun" is something I know I shouldn't entertain. I'm not out committing crimes are causing havoc somewhere, nothing like that (and also not saying that one sin is worse than the other), but just the environments I tend to place myself in. This past Memorial Day Weekend, I only went back to St. Louis with INTENTIONS of going to a friend's wedding, but wound up finding other things to do around the city. Although I am not oppose to drinking (not to get inebriated of course), but just for the social aspect, my tolerance level for alcohol is a lot lower than I thought and I fell victim to half of a can of a Margarita in a Can. 

After having a burning desire to start this blog just last week, it didn't take long for me to become lazy and get behind on my postings. Something interesting happens to me every single day (not too interesting), enough to make me want to post, but I always manage to find an excuse to draw my attention elsewhere. The thought to create this blog was embedded in my brain for a while and I finally came across somebody who could help me bring it to life (still under construction), but just like other things in my life, the discipline is never there. I don't have discipline when it comes to reading for my classes, finances, FAST FOOD, and now my blog has fell into that same pool. 

This is what I like to call my #GodBeKnowingMoment. I happen to have these a lot. People believe in consequences. I don't. When things happen in my favor (sometimes when they don't happen in my favor) I always point to the sky and say #GodBeKnowing. Kind of an "ethnic" way of putting it but who cares. I always have to stop and acknowledge him and his works because he is so amazing. I know I am far from deserving of his magnificent grace, but he just keeps on. Well, my #GodBeKnowing moment today happened when I went to visit my job and talk to them about me leaving my internship and going to another one. I work in an advising office and one of the advisors is leaving to home school her two sons so I went to say goodbye. After a long discussion of what was going on with me and saying good bye, she told me how amazing I was and that I was l awesome. (I LOVE DEANNA). She also made me aware that another one of the advisors was leaving as well but only to another department on campus. She got a position as a recruiter in admissions for the grad program I am trying to get into. PERFECT! Now I have a connect in the grad program I will soon be applying to. If I never left this internship, I wouldn't have been able to see my advisor leave and wish her well, nor would I have known about the other advisor who took a job in a place that may be of use to me as well. #GodBeKnowing

Her right here...

"Remember who you are and who's you are"- Candess always reminds me of this

<-- See this why I love her. During this phone call, she hit it right on the money. To sum it all up, I've been having problems with my internship (previous internship as of today) and I needed some words of encouragement as to what to do. Conversation goes as such, "Let's cut right to the chase. The Lord told me to tell you to stop comparing yourself to other people and asking yourself why other people have gotten certain internships and positions that you didn't." She is right. I was comparing myself to many people I know who have gotten the opportunity to obtain paid, seemingly fun internships. I applied for several and was only offered one (which happens to be unpaid). I contemplated daily as to what is it that everyone else has that I don't. What God has for ME is for ME. The sooner I realize that the better. To sum it up, after days of 
contemplating, praying, and seeking the Word, I asked my pastor what I should do and I was told to always go where I seek peace. I dreaded coming into my internship everyday (I was only there for two weeks) and never felt comfortable while I was there. Fortunately, I had another internship lined up for me that caters to what I want to do as a career anyway. Hopefully everything turns out in my favor. #S/O to Candess though.